The weekend did not go the way I wanted it to. The first day was fine, but by the end I had lost control. Today, I try once again to start over.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I’m not binging, but I would say I have been allowing to snack a little too much. I think I have made some steps in the right direction. I seem to have accepted the fact that chocolate, and cookies, etc are part of a healthy diet (in moderation), but I think I have snacking out of boredom lately. I haven’t let it get too far, and I haven’t really had the ‘last supper mentality’ in a while, which is great, but I need to remember how empowering it is to say no! I have been snacking too much.
Challenge:Practice saying ‘no’ more often!
Yesterday, was the first day of living in my apartment where my disordered eating patterns affected me. I didn’t want to binge, but I did have that ‘I’ll start tomorrow’ attitude as an excuse to eat some more granola bars. I didn’t even want more granola bars. I felt like I became a slave to them. I didn’t feel free anymore. Yesterday’s damage was minimal though. I didn’t go crazy, I just felt out of control. So, today it is back to persevering! I’m going to home to visit my family and get some stuff for my apartment. This will be a weekend full of temptation, but I know I can make it through it! I loved the feeling I had most of the week… the feeling of control… of confidence, and of health, and I am going to seek that feeling!
Romans 3:3-5
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment.
Verse of the Day:
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Yesterday, I was tempted by the granola balls I made. However, I allowed myself to have some and was cautious at night. It feels good to say no, but I still feel guilty about having them. I will have to work on that. It feels good to say no! Not allowing myself to eat tons of food at night makes me feel free and more independent.. like I have detached myself from a ball and chain. I think the temptation I am facing really isn’t the food, its the temptation to be overly critical. I definitely have a perfectionist tendency that leads me to have unrealistic expectations about my diet and exercise. Here is a great article by a psychologist Lisa Firestone
People with eating disorders, both overeaters and anorexics, disregard their own values and personal goals in relation to their health, looks, and lifestyle. They use food to feel bad about themselves, to punish themselves, or to gain a sense of control. Instead of using it to fuel their bodies, they use food to fuel a cycle of self-hatred and self-protection. All of us have an inner coach, or “critical inner voice,” that lures us into destructive behavior then pounces on us the minute we mess up. The critical inner voice is a driving force behind an eating disorder, and to challenge an unhealthy relationship with food, a person must deal with this internal enemy.
We live in a society that supports being slim, sometimes to the extreme. This unrealistic ideal can be used in the service of our inner critic to put ourselves down, to feel inadequate , or to isolate us from the world around us. Failing to identify our critical voices as they come up, leaves us more at risk for falling off the wagon. However, we can challenge our voices by not engaging in the behaviors they are supporting. And even though they may initially become louder, enticing us and telling us we will fail, the more we ignore them, the more they lose their hold on us, and the stronger we become.
To have a healthy body, it is necessary for us to take action on a physical level with diet and exercise; but to have a healthy relationship with food, it is necessary for us to understand ourselves on a deeper emotional level, or to uncover why we eat the way we eat. If we challenge the behaviors alone through diet and exercise, the emotions we were using eating to cover up won’t just go away. Once we identify the feelings and inner voices that perpetuate the cycle of self-hatred and the insensitivity to our body, we can gain control of self-destructive eating habits and not react adversely to pressure and triggers that lead us to abuse food. By taking action on a physical level and taking interest on an emotional level, we can re-establish our relationship with food, with our bodies, with our past, and with ourselves as a whole. We can uncover who we really are, our real wants, desires, and goals, and we can stop engaging in the patterns.
Challenge: To develop a healthy perception on what balanced day of eating should look like. (Long-term goal)
Yesterday was great! I think I am finally in a great place to recover! I love cooking my own food, and in my own apartment there’s not very many trigger foods. Plus, I have to make sure my food lasts, since I no longer have a campus meal plan, it will destroy my budget if I eat all of my food in one night.
Today’s Challenges:
1.Trigger Foods: I do have a few trigger foods in my apartment. I bought some frozen yogurt, I have peanut butter, and I made some granola balls. Obviously, all of these things are healthy, and it is totally healthy to have them in a regular diet. So I should not feel guilty eating them, if I eat them in controlled portions.
2. Self-Esteem:I think most girls my age have an unhealthy relationship with food to a certain extent. Its hard to be in college because your body is transitioning from a teenager’s body into a woman’s. Having a good attitude and not over analyzing what I eat will go a long way!
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Today is kind of a new beginning. It is the first full day I will be spending in my own apartment! :) I am so excited to be able to cook for myself! I think that this could be a great step in fixing my disordered eating patterns. However, this is not going to cure my problems. The word that came to me yesterday was ‘surrender’. I really want to surrender my problems to God- give them to him. Even thinking that sounds like such a relief. These are the verses that come to mind:
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
I am beginning to feel free!
Well I was fine at the party. I think the challenge is always binging after the party. I think I struggle it times when I’m not in control of what I am eating and then I binge after it. Today I basically had 4 meals. I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m not sure if I was actually hungry for the fourth one. I didn’t swim very much, but being at a pool and in the sun drained my energy a lot and convinced me I was hungry. Also, I am running low on food, so my meals have been very ill planned.
Breakfast: granola bar
iced skinny latte (starbucks)
biscotti (from starbucks)
Lunch: soup
Dinner: cheeseburger (small burger!)
chips (not many chips!)
Meal #4: pb&j
wafers
pudding.
I guess today wasn’t horrible, but I think the binge eating contributed to the existence of meal #4. I’m just confused. Its hard to tell when I’m actually hungry sometimes. Plus, since it is one of my last days on campus, I am greatly suffering from the “I’ll start tomorrow syndrome”. At least it didn’t get entirely out of control.
The last few days have been very unpredictable with it being the last few days of school. I am all done with finals and will be moving off campus tomorrow! I am so excited because I think living on campus, and the lack of healthy food options really contributed to my disordered eating habits.
Today’s Challenge: Survive the End of School Party
Today I have to go to a school organization sponsored party at a faculty member’s house. Its also a swimming party…which means swimsuits. …every binge eater’s worst nightmare! When I googled “How to Survive a Party for Binge Eaters” Ths article came up from bingesolutions.com, a site I’m not familliar with, but will need to check out. Its Christmas oriented, but the same concepts can apply!
The season has arrived where everything is celebrated through food, drink and glamorous party dresses. Is this time of year a complete nightmare for you? Find out ways to make things easier for yourself so that you can enjoy the fun and festivities too.
Ask your self what is causing you stress?
Do you feel so fat that you think no dress will look good on you? Have you addressed your body image distress? You don’t have to lose any weight to start feeling good about your body image. Wear something that you feel comfortable in and is not too tight. Add accessories like hair clips, a nice handbag or scarf.
Are you worried about eating your trigger foods? Planin advance how you will negotiate your food plan. You have different options available depending upon the type of food that will be there. You can:- eat your meal before you go; ask the hostess what type of food will be available and select non-triggering food; take food that you contribute as part of a buffet that is safe for you or take your food to enjoy while others eat the catered food. Remember if you fail to plan … you plan to fail. If there are trigger foods remove yourself from the food area or even the party if you feel like bingeing on it. Ask for help from your support network.
Do you feel deprived? Early in recovery lots of binge eaters feel deprived when they realise that they can’t eat like normal eaters. While this may not bother you most of the time, parties can be a time where it seems you are the only person who can’t eat trigger foods without bingeing. Rest assured you are not alone. Almost everyone in recovery has to stop eating certain foods or trigger foods. For me I have had to let go of so many foods but instead I have found a whole new life, free from bingeing. When I think of where I will end up if I eat these trigger foods, I no longer feel deprived.
Dance the night away – Instead of focusing on the food and drink, dance the night away. You will be amazed at how fun it can be to dance the whole night through. You don’t need a partner; dance with your friends, children or alone as part of the disco crowd. I love to party and you will always find me on the dance floor the whole night long. Recovery is about having fun and enjoying yourself – not being miserable about what food you can’t eat.
Focus on the company – A party is about socializing with friends, family and new people. As binge eaters we often think that a party is all about the food and drink but in recovery we have to learn about being social and interacting with other people. It takes practice to master this skill.
No regrets – Christmas parties are notorious for overindulging on food, drink and sex. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can choose to do things differently this year. The best thing is you get to wake up the next day without the guilt and remorse that as a binge eater you will know only too well. You can also go through the whole Christmas period without gaining any weight – that is the miracle of being in recovery.
Remember if you can’t cope with the food or drink, leave the party and hold onto your recovery. There will always be more parties in the future but if you relapse there is no telling when you will get back into recovery again.
I think focusing on the social aspect is very important and also remembering that I will eat again! Its not like will never see these foods again! Plus, if I think about how great I will feel if I don’t binge
Its been a while since I have posted. I have been doing Insanity, the workout dvds. I am now working out at a very high intensity. Because I am working out so hard, as a person with disordered eating I am tempted to:
1. Eat very little. I have never starved myself, but a have a warped view of an ideal day. I think it is a perfectionist tendency of my personality. I think that I can eat about 1200 calories of soup, salad, and fruit with very limited bread. This might be possible for some people, but I need to come to the conclusion that this will not satisfy me (as much as I wish it would). I am a very active college student who has long days. Trying to stick to an overly strict diet is very difficult for someone recovering from binge eating problems.
2. Eat Whatever I Want: This mentality only usually occurs after 10:00 night or right when I wake up. This doesn’t occur as often either. It always manifests itself in snacks, not actual meals. …And with over snacking, always comes guilt, which always leads to binge eating. This always results in ‘the last meal’ syndrome and a promise that ‘tomorrow I will start tomorrow’.
Obviously, both of these mentalities are wrong. Finding a spot in between is very difficult for someone with disordered eating/binge eating problems. Everyday I am going to strive to find the right place and re-learn how to eat
Spiritually, I have been doing well. Ironically, my pastor on Sunday read a passage from a book about a woman fighting binge eating. It was depicted a little humorously, but it descrbed a woman who found herself buying a tub of Ben and Jerry’s along with loads of other candy and junk food, and eating it all in one night. She wondered why her faith wasn’t helping her beat it. This is the same conflict that I have had for the last two years. Its time to get over it! My faith is strong. I don’t think I have suffered the past two years because my faith wasn’t strong enough. Its because I wasn’t actively pursuing a solution. I know that this is a lifestyle change. This is NOT a diet. I am basically a chronic dieter, whose diets have only led to binge eating episodes. I am not going to view this as a diet. I felt like God was calling me out in church when my pastor brought that up, like he could see me sitting there, feeling slightly uncomfortable that my biggest issue was being discussed in front of the entire congregation. Obviously, no one in the room could tell that I felt like I was being directly spoken to, or knew that this was something I suffered from. But it felt like with the mention of this in church, that I was being encouraged by God. Like he was saying this time will actually work! I have had a new starting date to ‘get over’ this problem probably once a week for the past two years. I have learned this will not be a problem that goes away. This is a deep seeded issue that will take months to get past. However, I have never felt so encouraged before.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
What a perfect verse. I am tempted by so many things, not just food. I am tempted to give up. I am tempted to idolize food. I am tempted to idolize my body. I am tempted by gluttony, and I am tempted by the business of my day to lose sight of God. When I am tempted by so many things, it is clear that this is not going to be easy. However, I am not the first to face these issues, nor the only. I also have an escape route that cannot be beaten.
