Yesterday, was the first day of living in my apartment where my disordered eating patterns affected me.  I didn’t want to binge, but I did have that ‘I’ll start tomorrow’ attitude as an excuse to eat some more granola bars.  I didn’t even want more granola bars.  I felt like I became a slave to them.  I didn’t feel free anymore.  Yesterday’s damage was minimal though.  I didn’t go crazy, I just felt out of control.  So, today it is back to persevering! I’m going to home to visit my family and get some stuff for my apartment.  This will be a weekend full of temptation, but I know I can make it through it!  I loved the feeling I had most of the week… the feeling of control… of confidence, and of health, and I am going to seek that feeling!

Romans 3:3-5

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment.

Yesterday was great! I think I am finally in a great place to recover!  I love cooking my own food, and in my own apartment there’s not very many trigger foods.  Plus, I have to make sure my food lasts, since I no longer have a campus meal plan, it will destroy my budget if I eat all of my food in one night.

Today’s Challenges:

1.Trigger Foods:  I do have a few trigger foods in my apartment.  I bought some frozen yogurt, I have peanut butter, and I made some granola balls. Obviously, all of these things are healthy, and it is totally healthy to have them in a regular diet.  So I should not feel guilty eating them, if I eat them in controlled portions.

2. Self-Esteem:I think most girls my age have an unhealthy relationship with food to a certain extent. Its hard to be in college because your body is transitioning from a teenager’s body into a woman’s.  Having a good attitude and not over analyzing what I eat will go a long way!

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Today is kind of a new beginning.  It is the first full day I will be spending in my own apartment! :) I am so excited to be able to cook for myself!  I think that this could be a great step in fixing my disordered eating patterns. However, this is not going to cure my problems.  The word that came to me yesterday was ‘surrender’.  I really want to surrender my problems to God- give them to him.  Even thinking that sounds like such a relief.  These are the verses that come to mind:

Matthew 11:28     

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

1 Corinthians 10:13     

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

I am beginning to feel free!

Its been a while since I have posted.  I have been doing Insanity, the workout dvds.  I am now working out at a very high intensity.  Because I am working out so hard, as a person with disordered eating I am tempted to:

1. Eat very little.  I have never starved myself, but a have a warped view of an ideal day.  I think it is a perfectionist tendency of my personality. I think that I can eat about 1200 calories of soup, salad, and fruit with very limited bread.  This might be possible for some people, but I need to come to the conclusion that this will not satisfy me (as much as I wish it would).  I am a very active college student who has long days. Trying to stick to an overly strict diet is very difficult for someone recovering from binge eating problems. 

2. Eat Whatever I Want: This mentality only usually occurs after 10:00 night or right when I wake up.  This doesn’t occur as often either.  It always manifests itself in snacks, not actual meals.  …And with over snacking, always comes guilt, which always leads to binge eating.  This always results in ‘the last meal’ syndrome and a promise that ‘tomorrow I will start tomorrow’.

Obviously, both of these mentalities are wrong. Finding a spot in between is very difficult for someone with disordered eating/binge eating problems. Everyday I am going to strive to find the right place and re-learn how to eat

Spiritually, I have been doing well. Ironically, my pastor on Sunday read a passage from a book about a woman fighting binge eating.  It was depicted a little humorously, but it descrbed a woman who found herself buying a tub of Ben and Jerry’s along with loads of other candy and junk food, and eating it all in one night.  She wondered why her faith wasn’t helping her beat it.  This is the same conflict that I have had for the last two years.  Its time to get over it!  My faith is strong.  I don’t think I have suffered the past two years because my faith wasn’t strong enough.  Its because I wasn’t actively pursuing a solution.  I know that this is a lifestyle change.  This is NOT a diet. I am basically a chronic dieter, whose diets have only led to binge eating episodes. I am not going to view this as a diet.  I felt like God was calling me out in church when my pastor brought that up, like he could see me sitting there, feeling slightly uncomfortable that my biggest issue was being discussed in front of the entire congregation.  Obviously, no one in the room could tell that I felt like I was being directly spoken to, or knew that this was something I suffered from. But it felt like with the mention of this in church, that I was being encouraged by God.  Like he was saying this time will actually work! I have had a new starting date to ‘get over’ this problem probably once a week for the past two years.  I have learned this will not be a problem that goes away.  This is a deep seeded issue that will take months to get past.  However, I have never felt so encouraged before.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

What a perfect verse.  I am tempted by so many things, not just food.  I am tempted to give up. I am tempted to idolize food.  I am tempted to idolize my body.  I am tempted by gluttony, and I am tempted by the business of my day to lose sight of God.  When I am tempted by so many things, it is clear that this is not going to be easy.  However, I am not the first to face these issues, nor the only. I also have an escape route that cannot be beaten.