Its been a while since I have posted. I have been doing Insanity, the workout dvds. I am now working out at a very high intensity. Because I am working out so hard, as a person with disordered eating I am tempted to:
1. Eat very little. I have never starved myself, but a have a warped view of an ideal day. I think it is a perfectionist tendency of my personality. I think that I can eat about 1200 calories of soup, salad, and fruit with very limited bread. This might be possible for some people, but I need to come to the conclusion that this will not satisfy me (as much as I wish it would). I am a very active college student who has long days. Trying to stick to an overly strict diet is very difficult for someone recovering from binge eating problems.
2. Eat Whatever I Want: This mentality only usually occurs after 10:00 night or right when I wake up. This doesn’t occur as often either. It always manifests itself in snacks, not actual meals. …And with over snacking, always comes guilt, which always leads to binge eating. This always results in ‘the last meal’ syndrome and a promise that ‘tomorrow I will start tomorrow’.
Obviously, both of these mentalities are wrong. Finding a spot in between is very difficult for someone with disordered eating/binge eating problems. Everyday I am going to strive to find the right place and re-learn how to eat
Spiritually, I have been doing well. Ironically, my pastor on Sunday read a passage from a book about a woman fighting binge eating. It was depicted a little humorously, but it descrbed a woman who found herself buying a tub of Ben and Jerry’s along with loads of other candy and junk food, and eating it all in one night. She wondered why her faith wasn’t helping her beat it. This is the same conflict that I have had for the last two years. Its time to get over it! My faith is strong. I don’t think I have suffered the past two years because my faith wasn’t strong enough. Its because I wasn’t actively pursuing a solution. I know that this is a lifestyle change. This is NOT a diet. I am basically a chronic dieter, whose diets have only led to binge eating episodes. I am not going to view this as a diet. I felt like God was calling me out in church when my pastor brought that up, like he could see me sitting there, feeling slightly uncomfortable that my biggest issue was being discussed in front of the entire congregation. Obviously, no one in the room could tell that I felt like I was being directly spoken to, or knew that this was something I suffered from. But it felt like with the mention of this in church, that I was being encouraged by God. Like he was saying this time will actually work! I have had a new starting date to ‘get over’ this problem probably once a week for the past two years. I have learned this will not be a problem that goes away. This is a deep seeded issue that will take months to get past. However, I have never felt so encouraged before.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
What a perfect verse. I am tempted by so many things, not just food. I am tempted to give up. I am tempted to idolize food. I am tempted to idolize my body. I am tempted by gluttony, and I am tempted by the business of my day to lose sight of God. When I am tempted by so many things, it is clear that this is not going to be easy. However, I am not the first to face these issues, nor the only. I also have an escape route that cannot be beaten.